About The Zoo

The economy has tanked and it’s affecting everyone, including your local zoo.  After the lowest attended season in its history, Saint James Zoo is running on a shoestring budget.

The Zoo Crew

Case - The rest of the zoo workers speculate on the reasons for Case’s prior incarceration, (armed robbery, grand theft auto) when in actuality it was something much more stupid. He tried to blackmail a closeted gay republican senator with a video he obtained from a highway rest-stop security camera. To this day you can Google “Senator Fun Buns” and view some of the “trucker-videos”. Many opportunities for criminal activities present themselves at Saint James Zoo. Case is mainly tempted by Chad. He also has an irrational fear of birds.

Chad - Armed with a 5th grade understanding of animal behavior, Chad isn’t intelligent enough to grasp how stupid he is, or how dangerous it can be to enter a crocodile pen with a bag of cheeseburgers.  His globe-trekking father was a world famous zoologist before he was tragically wheelchair bound (it’s rumored that his father is indirectly responsible for the murder of Diane Fosse), Chad is torn between a fatherless childhood while at the same time trying to live up to his famous fathers expectations.  Chad has recently started buying illegal mail order drugs.

Maryanne - Maryanne had a TV dropped on her head when she was three years old and her wealthy parents promptly shipped her off to a boarding school for children with brain damage. They later found out she was not mentally challeneged, but in fact had an I.Q. of 176. Maryanne lost her virginity in the 12th grade when she took advantage of a forty year old Nigerian cafeteria worker named Perry.

Veronica - Not too bright when it comes to human reproduction, Veronica has no idea that she’s pregnant (thinks she’s just gaining weight).  She is constantly asking Maryanne for advice about men and sexual technique.  An ex-nun, she used to be part of Saint James Church Nunnery, but when the church was demolished to make way for a highway, she started drinking, gave up her celibacy, and got a job at the zoo.  She’s also the lead singer of the speed metal band, “Vampire House”.

Tyler - Sole survivor of the notorious “Kirk Town Cult” mass suicide, he was found by hikers six months later in a cave surrounded by a family of raccoons. When asked how he had survived the cult suicide he was quoted in a local news paper as saying “I just don’t like Kool-Aid.”  Tyler’s tragic childhood has left him with certain mental conditions, including his belief that he can talk to animals, also known as “Doolittles Syndrome”. Everyone else thinks he’s crazy…but is he?

Lawrence - Graduating top of his class in Zoology from the University Of Chicago, he struggles to keep the zoo off the 5 o’clock news, and his employees out of jail.  He knows the workers are all-in-all good people, but they just need a little tough love.  He secretly wants to be regarded as one of the gang, and would love to be invited to O’Malley’s for a frosty pint of beer.

Darius Oxford - Trustfund baby and local playboy, Darius recently inherited the zoo from his late father Prescott “The Ox” Oxford.  He overtly encourages zoo employees to misbehave (buying them booze, pitting them against management & each other).  He’s secretly had the zoo up for sale on Craigslist for the past six months, and once sold, he plans on using the profits to franchise a Sandals resort in Gary, Indiana.

Mayor O’Hare - O’Hare was briefly mayor of Chicago for three months in the summer of 1999.  Eventually resigning in disgrace, he was finally outed for using city money to bribe Hollywood producers to film in the Chicago city limits.  Failed projects included: “Blues Brothers 2000″, “Ferris Buellers Day Off 2000″, and “The Untouchables 2000″ which were released straight to video.  The Mayor is somewhat of a zoo mascot. Everyone gets a kick out of his crazy ramblings except Lawrence (who is tired of him stealing snake food).

Mr. Reid the Bartender - Owner and bartender of the local hang out “O’ Malley’s”, Jake is like the bad uncle that your mom doesn’t want you to hang out with.  He gets all the zoo gossip firsthand.  Mr. Reid is a great storyteller… but are the stories true?  God… I hope not.